I have a hobby I enjoy quite a bit. I spend most of my time debunking different myths/rubbish ideas people develop about love. I primarily blame social media for this, every day posts you come across tap into your insecurities and make you believe bs.
I’ve been a victim of this of course and perhaps my learning and unlearning over and over again is what makes me so interested in it.
I’ve been inactive on my blog for quite a bit now, I’ve not been able to find the time to pen down my thoughts. I even stopped doing my Instagram lives and my thoughts are now clouded so I’ve decided to either write/make a video for my igtv discussing one aspect every week. It helps me arrive at an articulate and coherent conclusion and thus supply myself with the ability to provide more rational and logical advice when people do come to me with it.
But to start off I’m going to discuss something which really hit home the first time I came across it. Love isn’t just a noun, it’s a verb. It isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action.
Granted, it is an emotion of intense adoration you feel. But an emotion alone is not going to make a relationship work. It is a fleeting thing. And so neither should you so heavily rely on it to sustain any relationship.
But how could you be blamed? Everywhere you look, the messages being fed are,
Love is a feeling.
If you have to question whether or not you love your partner, you obviously don’t love him/her and it’s time to walk away.
If he doesn’t give you the butterflies, he’s probably not the one.
If she doesn’t make you feel alive and whole, she’s probably not the one.
Unfortunately these intense rushes of feeling are only going to last so long, this is called your honeymoon phase. And then it comes far too easy to ask yourself if your relationship is indeed a good one.
So if love isn’t a feeling what is it?
In my opinion, love is knowing. And knowing is beyond a thought or a feeling. You don’t always necessarily feel love towards your mother or your best friend but you just know you do.
Another way to approach this is to consider instances. Once those exhilarating feelings subside, you still feel the need to spend time with this person, to make memories with them, you see you’re DRAWN to them. There is comfort and there’s security. They make your heart feel happy and fights don’t feel like the end of the world, it’s just a problem that need to be tackled. Just like with a parent or a friend. This for me is KNOWING it’s love.
But what next?
Loving someone is an action. It’s taking little efforts every single day. It’s choosing your partner every day and trying fucking hard to commit and make it work. It’s surprising her with breakfast in bed one day because she’s had a tough week and it’s baking him his favourite kind of muffin because he didn’t get that meeting to go his way. It. Is. Effort. And it doesn’t always come naturally. It wouldn’t be called effort then. But you do it because you care. And feeling isn’t enough, actions are required. Monogamy is hard as hell, humans aren’t wired to be only attracted to a single person. Now I’ve to be upfront here and say I’m pro monogamy. There are couples who make polyamorous and polygamous relationships work. Good for them, it just isn’t for me. Not yet, anyway, perhaps its my naivety and inexperience, perhaps it’s not, but as I mentioned before I’m constantly learning and unlearning.
To love someone in my opinion, is to just be there for them, to help them grow as an individual, support them while they achieve their goals, it is to act lovingly even when you don’t feel very loving. It isn’t always euphoric, I consider it to be a grounded, authentic and honest phenomenon. And every day that you love someone, you’re expanding, you’re growing your capacity to love someone.
What a wonderful thought!
It isn’t you complete me, it’s you inspire and motivate me to be the best version of myself, and let me do the same for you because I feel deep affection for you!
Don’t walk away from something so beautiful just because your relationship suddenly doesn’t fit the expectation/image that culture/set has set. Walk away if you’re fucking unhappy, but let that not be based anyone else’s ideas playing in your head but because of something you genuinely feel. Walk away only if you’ve really tried but it simply isn’t working. Or if you’re the only one trying. It’s a partnership, love is a two way street after all.
I don’t have the perfect relationship. I was a runner for most parts and then I was with runners for the others. But every day I learn a thing or two. I learn what to expect and what not to expect. I’m still figuring things out. Here’s my little nugget of wisdom for the week.