First thing to do is to understand why you are so shameful and why you hate yourself so much to put yourself through this. Were you abandoned by someone in the past? Did your parents neglect you? Have you never had any stable relationships?
Think about it. Until you make accept what has happened and understand WHY and how you are the way you are, nothing is going to change man. I understood mine. Therapy helped me there. It’s my childhood and many things that happened over the years, but this was important because I finally fucking understood what led to my being how I was.
The next step was to make a conscious fucking effort to do something about it and help myself heal and change.
You know, I had a relationship just like yours couple of years back. He was a terrible person and I wasn’t a priority, he lied a lot, but i simply couldn’t let go. I was terrified of being alone. And then at one point, he let go and I was holding onto basically nothing, just memories. It was sad. I started cutting myself, causing pain to myself, drinking till I was out sloshed, I did terrible things to myself because I blamed myself and I thought it was simply because I wasn’t good enough.
I went for therapy at some point post this relationship’s end because I understood this was no way to live.
You can’t go on feeling weak and worthless for the rest of your life. You cannot, simply because you’re not meant to live like that.
I must tell you that therapy truly helped a lot. If anything, it helped me understand myself much better. I have borderline personality disorder. Of course I cannot speak for you, I’m merely telling you what the case was with me. But I must let you know that the situation sounds a lot alike. I used to overanalyze and overthink and bottle up everything as well. I was TERRIFIED of being abandoned. I was desperate to not lose him.
But you see if there’s one thing therapy taught me it’s that the underlying issue was my extreme lack of self love and self confidence. My therapist asked me to hit the gym, do things that made me feel like I was taking care of myself. I guess to an extent it helped, but at some point I just spiralled back to my extreme self hatred and then it was pointless. Then maybe I lucked out but people took an interest in me, made an effort to be friends with me. I couldn’t talk about what I was going through for the longest time but then at some point I did. I had a complete breakdown, I poured my heart out to my current best friend. It honestly helped because she told me everything I wanted to hear. She told me about all the nice things about myself that I should be proud of, told me I was fucking beautiful ( I still don’t believe it sometimes but I take solace in knowing that it’s okay because I’m intelligent as hell lol). She told me a lot of things. And it helped. I felt better. Sometimes you should need to just vent. I feel like you’re doing that at the moment, maybe it’ll help for you to tell me more? Actually avoid all the good parts and talk about all the things that make you feel it’s a toxic relationship. That’s what I did. I purposefully victimized myself. I filled myself with extreme hate for the boy who broke my heart. It was fucking hard, I had loved too hard for me to just sort of flip and hate him. It took time but I did it.
Okay I don’t think any therapist is going to ask you to do this but this is what worked for me.
Channel all your pain into this one person. Your mind will start fighting them at some point. You will feel the urge to end it.
It took me around 2 3 months in all honesty, but it happened. And then my mind sort of just numbed itself.
This is all just about breaking it off.
But your anxiety is a psychological problem.
You see, anxiety needs medication. It could be a serious problem and could later affect your work, home and eventually everything. So I’d highly recommend visiting a psychiatrist.
See, I can go on preaching, give you multiple pep talks. But until you decide it’s time to change, nothing’s going to happen. Your attitude needs to change man. Until that happens nothing is going to work. You need to force yourself to think positive, feel better, decide it’s fucking time to move on. That’s what I do from time to time.
You cannot fucking depend on people because you see the only person who’s going to make yourself their prime and first priority is yourself. Every body’s that way.
And that’s the worst part, you see you worry about being alone but the painful truth is nobody is going to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I sure as hell know that when I look for a partner, i need someone who I can grow with. And so until I can be the same for someone else, I’m going to be fucking alone. It’s one thing to be a work in progress, to understand that you’re broken but make an effort to change, everybody respects that. People fucking love people like that.
But to be stuck at some point and make no effort to change, nobody respects that, man.
Everybody is fucked up, everybody has a ton of fucking issues, I used to be exactly like you at point. But I fucking worked my butt off to change. To grow fucking stronger. To recognize my strengths, focus on those and feel better about myself when i accomplish something. That changed my life.
Now I know at some point in my life, it could be years, it could be months, it could be days away, someone will find me who appreciates me for all that I am. And I have an insane amount of faith in that. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. I guess ideally I should be so content with myself that I shouldn’t be expecting someone at all, and it’ll just happen if it has to and it won’t it isn’t meant to. But I’m a work in progress too!
Again like I said, I can keep trying to say all the right things and show you the way forward. But it literally is up to you to take action. And until you do, I can’t do anything to help you grow.
So do me a favour, sit and think about everything I’ve said. Analyze your past, try to find the root cause/events that shaped you to be how you are.
Then make up your fucking mind and decide that it’s time to change.
Then maybe we can work out a time-bound plan of action for you.
I can’t see any other way how I can be of any help at all.
So now it’s up to you!