I met a girl via Instagram two years back. She told me she was single. And I expressed my interest in dating her, Later I found out she was married and she gave me the “oh I was going to tell you” bullshit. We stopped talking for two years. Last year we met again and she told me she’s divorced. I’ve since found out that was a lie and haven’t confronted her. I told her I still like her and she says she’s only ready for a casual relationship. So we get into a casual relationship but I’m not happy. I get this feeling she’s always keeping a distance from me. It’s been three months and we have met just 4 times despite her staying just 6kms away from me. It feels like a case of manipulative relationship but I cannot move on due to my poor self esteem. 

– A

Dear A,

My heart goes out to you and your situation. And as surprising as this sounds, I’ve encountered situations like this before, some of my male friends were previously in the same situation.
So I think I’ll just tell you exactly what I told them.
You see, from everything I’ve read I’ve come to understand that this is not uncommon among married women. A couple of years into marriage, once you’ve had sex with the same partner far too many times, you get bored. it gets monotonous. And this applies to both parties. And they can’t be blamed for it either, it’s an extremely natural human tendency. It’s crazy amazing if you can get through this without cheating, possibly finding other things to put all your energy into, some people just have kids and put all their focus onto them until there’s drive and tension again. But a lot of people just look for other things outside their marriages.
For women specifically, they’re just looking for passion, something they previously had with their husband. They crave attention. They crave efforts. And so when they don’t receive it from their husbands, they look for it outside marriage. And that’s when they find men like you. You see, unfortunately, she’s never going to leave her husband. This could be due to a variety of reasons, what will people think, family first and primarily because her intention isn’t to leave her husband at all, she’s just looking for some attention until her husband gives it to her again.
And from what I can understand, you are most certainly being manipulated, she’s taking advantage of your low self worth and self esteem. She’s just using you man.
But you already know this. Don’t you?
You’re never going to be happy in this relationship. And your understanding that is in itself a good thing, I’d say. Most people don’t even understand that, they put up with it because they’re afraid to admit it, they’d rather be unhappy but just not alone.
A, you deserve a lot better than a dishonest woman for whom you are just a distraction. And you must know that you’re capable of finding something more meaningful, someone who actually will care about you and someone who treats you with the respect and love you deserve.
You’re WORTH more than a casual relationship. You could have a good, steady relationship. And it’s going to be so much more fulfilling.
For starters, in my opinion, you need to break it off with this woman.
You tell me, do you really want to be with someone who’s lying to you about being divorced? someone who literally belongs to someone else on paper? someone who won’t even meet you despite you’re living in such close proximity, I know couples who meet at least 3 times a week despite living in two different ends of the city. They’re happy. That’s love. And the have insanely good, intimate, meaningful sex (girlfriends tend to talk haha)
I know it’s going to be hard. You’re going to feel alone. You’re going to miss the flirty, fun conversations. There must have been something that attracted her to you, you’re going to miss that.
It’s going to take a while. But you’re going to move on.
But as hard as this is, you NEED to cut off ALL communications with her. Say goodbye and block her everywhere. She’s going to get desperate, call a couple of hundred times, please disconnect the call. This isn’t healthy, it’s toxic as fuck.
Then you’re going to need to learn to love yourself. Accept yourself. You have some talents and some strengths and some things which make you a good person and great boyfriend material. Focus on those. You see, you NEED to learn to be comfortable with yourself. And then you’ll be attracted to people who love those things in you and wish for a meaningful, stable relationship with you.
I know this is fucking hard, but I’ve gone through years of extreme self hate and then moved past that. I started focusing all the things that make me an amazing person. My big heart which is full of love, my kindness, my extremely intelligent brain. You’ll have things like that about you too. Focus on that. You NEED to feel good about yourself. You NEED to understand that you are WORTHY of someone’s full attention, all the love they have to give, you are WORTHY of being someone’s priority. And you must have FAITH that there’s someone out there, actually there are many people out there (its all in the time and place, I believe) who you’re going to meet randomly some day, and it’ll click. And they’re going to be as single and as available as it gets.
The third thing is, you need a circle of friends, a safety net. Sometimes, life sucks. And despite your best efforts, you’ll feel low. You won’t feel good about yourself. For then, you need a bunch of people who genuinely give a fuck about you, who like seeing you happy and who care about your happiness. You just know when you meet them, they’ve a good heart, a good vibe surrounds them. You have fun with them, you make good memories with them. And when you’re low, they’ll lend you a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Nobody’s strong all the time, life gets every one down. And sometimes when you can’t pick yourself up, you need other people.
Despite all my self love and self confidence, i have terrible days. When I feel ugly, like I’m useless and unworthy of love. Just day before yesterday I’d one such day. And all I did was pour my heart out to a girlfriend. And that’s the best part about your female friends, they’re all about support. She told me about all the good things that make me, me. That it was just a bad day and basically a pep talk. Keep a couple of female friends, they’re a blessing. My male friends don’t talk a lot but they give excellent hugs, listen to all my woes and cheer me up with free beers ahahah.
The fourth and final thing is, put yourself out there. SOCIALIZE. Join a couple of dating apps. Go on dates! Meet people at brunches, parties, meet friends of friends. Just make an effort to meet people. You never know where you’ll find true love, you see. (if that’s what you’re looking for) But really can one ever have too many friends? I personally believe, the bigger your circle, the better. Maybe you’re only truly close to one or two. But it’s always so lovely to have people around, people you can have a great time with!
And here’s a bonus tip on things that can help you love yourself. Follow a passion. Achieve something. I don’t know if you’re the goal oriented kind, but there’s a reason why people are so crazy about success, it’s a high. It makes you feel fucking good. And you don’t even to dream big. It’s setting small goals and succeeding at them. It’s that simple. For me, a goal was to become financially independent before I turned 21. And I achieved that Jan, this year. It’s not a big deal, but I survive on the meagre amount I get from work and I no longer ask my parents for money and I think it’s fucking awesome. I feel GOOD. I always have the satisfaction of knowing I achieved a goal and I’m able to do something a lot of people can’t. Then it was finding an apartment in a society, which I did as well, It was as simple as posting on a facebook group and checking out a couple of places but I did it and it FEELS good. Set goals for yourself. Easily achievable ones. This is quick and short term happiness. Set a few BIG ones. This is for long term happiness.
But man, it all really comes down to this. LOVE YOUR FUCKING SELF. Understand you deserve a wholesome, happy relationship and amazing friends. End all toxic relationships immediately. FEEL FUCKING GOOD.
Part 1/2
Posted by:karthikaaaa

21, Bangalore.

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